I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
