Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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