i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize