I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
