Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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