I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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