he wants to bone in the snuggie
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
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