Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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