I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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