Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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