rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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