Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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