I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
