You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
