Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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