I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
