Whod you bang
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
