one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can you bring me the toilet please
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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