the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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