this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
