Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize