i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
