You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Boobs are out for the taking
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
