Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
