I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
