So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
