I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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