The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
