If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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