I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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