I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
