Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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