Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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