new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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