and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
