Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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