She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
