hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize