Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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