my phone needs a breathalizer
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
