You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Pants are for mortals
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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