When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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