I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
