Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
