im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
