I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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