i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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