Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
