i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize