There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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