this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
