we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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