Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
