sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
