Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This baby is an asshole
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
