can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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