Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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