They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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