So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
